we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
