I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
