I'm lost and stupid without you.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
