I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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