we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
