I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
