I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I CAN MOONWALK!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
