Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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