Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
