He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!