So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?