shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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