Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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