i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
