I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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