In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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