The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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