i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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