I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
