I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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