Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
