Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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