You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I skipped work to stalk him.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
