i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
