My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
