Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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