It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
