We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize