is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
