I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
