Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
