Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
