I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
