i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
