My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
