I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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