I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
