Soap is not a condiment
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
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She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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