Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
