who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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