I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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