Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
