So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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