bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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