She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
