I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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