dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
