Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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