i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
