theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
