I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
