My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
