apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
