I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My bed smells like the plague
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
