im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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