They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
