Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
