So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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