I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
