yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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