3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
